The Bachelor and The Bachelorette

One thing that I've been thinking of a lot during my time of being single is how the dating game is different for men than it is for women (or, it is expected to be anyway). What I mean is this: men are somehow expected to date around and go from woman to woman and then suddenly settle down with someone, while women are expected to be more relationship focused from the start. I think that is a double standard.

Firstly, if women are supposed to settle into relationships, there need to be men available for that. Now, maybe it’s just me, but it feels like I've somehow been marked as a "just one date" girl, or even a "just a couple of dates" girl. I don't know if it's that men need to fill a quota of taking a (x) number of girls on (y) number of dates in a month or year for (z) number of years before they can settle down, and that somehow when I walk into their lives, they're just adding up the tally, or if the issue lies with me, but it seems that there are not enough men out there who are at that point of settling down. And it's not just "my age" that I'm talking about. I've dated men within a 10 year range over the past two years and not one of them seemed like the type to settle down. Not with me anyway. (Okay, maybe one or two, but please, I am not your maid or your mother, my roommates will not find your prank idea funny and I don't want to have to tell you stop throwing food around the kitchen). If all these men are dating around, where are the ones who want to settle down?

Second, I think it’s important for men and women to date around. Let me emphasize the word date in that sentence (not sleep- I am not implying anyone should sleep around). I don't think a person can truly know who they are and what they truly want and need from a relationship if they haven't dated at least a few people. I mean, far-be-it for me to say that high school love can't work, it has for some people. But for the majority of the people in our society today, I think it is really important to learn who you are before you go for the committed "forever" relationship. 65 years is a long time to be married to someone and if you have any hope of making it that far in your marriage, you need to know who you are, what you want, and what you can't compromise on before you walk down the aisle. I can honestly say that after the dating experiences I've had, I have a really good idea of what I want, and what I don't want; what I need and what I can survive with and without. I know that I need to be with someone who isn't a jealous person (even if I am), and that though I want to be a shining light in his eyes, I do not want to be on a pedestal. There are of course, many other things I've learned, some of which I will share and some of which I won't, but I'm not sure I would not have known any of it if I hadn't gone on dates with all sorts of different men.

I also think it is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with you (male or female) if someone stops calling/texing/tweeting/messaging/facebooking/BBMing or the like. Maybe it is them. Maybe it’s the combination of you and them that just isn't right. I've had a few men tell me that my choice of career scares them- they are afraid of having to support me someday, and though I tell them I wouldn't let that happen, they leave me anyway. I've had men tell me that they think I'm great, they just don't think there is the right chemistry. I would rather they be honest and tell me they don't want to be with me than to leave me hanging, but either way, I know it's not really me they're rejecting. It could even be that they've got baggage with someone else, it's complicated, or his/her ex is back in the picture (if that's the case, you should run for your life anyway- the last thing you want is half of the person s/he should be!)

This is why, though I think TV series The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a little extreme (in that they literally pit people against each other in the hopes of sultry television with a dramatic ending), I think the concept of dating many people and narrowing it down is a good one. Not that anyone has 25 people lined up in front of them at any given point in their life (unless you're Jennifer Lopez or Ryan Reynolds), but now that it is acceptable to be 30 and unmarried, people should take their time and really think about "is this the person I want to be with for the rest of my life?" or can I live as a bachelor(ette) a little longer?

Dating Tip #1

Remember, the first date is not all about you. It’s not all about the other person either. Recently I’ve been helping out a friend in his dating life. I’ve answered questions for him, I’ve helped him decide where to go, what to do, what to wear and even asked a girl out for him! (That was a special case- we were at an event and he HAD to leave just as this woman was making eyes at him, so after he left, I went and hit on her for him. It was mildly creepy of me, but she called him and they did go on a date, and are planning another one- go me!)

The day of the first date in particular, he’d been asking me a slew of questions, for which, if I was charging by the hour, I could have made a fortune answering. I don’t mind, because he is my friend and I care very much about him getting a girlfriend that isn’t a psycho, but it has made me realize that I’m really not just talking out of my ass on this stuff, I really do know what I’m talking about when it comes to dating.

Now here's the tip: Realize that the other person is just as nervous as you are (hopefully you're both somewhat nervous anyway) and understand that this is just a day/evening/lunch/coffee date to get to know someone a little better. Relax. Just be yourself. I know, I know, that's easier said than done. But the person you're on a date with wants to get to know you, not the nervous sweaty person who keeps fidgeting and glancing about and worrying if they're having fun. If the company is good, it doesn't matter where you are!

Unforgettable Quotes on Dating...

Since starting my blog, and the very beginnings of a possible book, I have had some rather interesting conversations with people about dating. Here are some of the funny comments that have come out of these chats:

"He's a great catch: he's got a really nice car. And he can play the guitar." - my second-family little brother

"You should date him, you'll have really cute babies." - best friend/ second-family sister

"You should date him, he has a job." - my second-family dad

"Marry for money, not for love" - mom (she was only partly kidding)

"I'm just kidding. I'm the best person to sleep with. Ever." - my second-family little brother

"I liked it. I know you didn't, but I liked it." - me

"There is a serious problem with your relationship." - best friend and I have been saying this to each other for three years.

"People don't have to come to me, I'm already there" - second-family little brother (he's quite the character!)

"So you could say your second date was really crumby?" - second-family dad (that story is still to come...)

Thats all for now, but I'm sure there will be more!