Just Friends

For years the question had been asked: Can men and women be just friends? Well, I'm not going to try to answer it for everyone, but I will share my opinion.

The question has been posed to me many times, as I tell people I have a few really good male friends, and people always want to know if we really are "just" friends. I've posed the question myself many times to different people, wondering what they think of the whole situation. Here is what I think:

For a man and a woman to be just friends, they have to both only want to be friends. There are no two ways about it. If only one wants to be just friends, then the other person will contantly be looking for something that isn't there, and suffer constant disappointment, though they may be convincing themselves that patience will have its payoffs. I'm not saying that it never works out for two friends. Often enough you hear about two people who were friends forever, getting married and living happily ever after (well, maybe not happily ever after, this is the 21st century). But I think when that happens, it was never completely off the table for either of those two friends.

I was recently asked out for dinner by someone who claims that they just want to be friends. This person is a conflict in more ways than one. Rejecting him may mean jeprodizing my career because it is a delicate situation, but accepting dinner is not an option because though he says "just friends" I don't believe him. If there is any doubt in my mind, I have to say no. Besides the fact that I could be fired if I dated him (especially when it didn't work out), I'm not attracted to him. I think attraction is very important to any romantic relationship and therefore necessary for any dinner I may be risking my job over. (Now all I have to do is figure out how I can say "no thank you" and have him accept that. I don't see him as a person who hears "No" very often).

Now I bet you're wondering if its off the table for any of my close guy friends. previously mentioned. I'm going to have to say: it is. A man will know when I am attracted to him; I've lost my shyness in telling a man that I want more than friendship. I can honestly say that of all of my guy friends, there is not one that I would want to date. I'm not saying they're not great guys, the are some of the best people I know. They're just not for me. Acquintences are a different story. I have many male acquaintences that I would consider crossing lines with, but there is much less to lose in dating a person who isn't in your close circle of trust. 

That is one thing that absolutely must be considered when thinking about making a move on a good friend: could you stand to lose the friendship? In some cases, it's go big, or go home; you can no longer stand to sit and watch them date other people and not make a move yourself because of your feelings. And in others, it's just not worth the risk to date a friend you can't absolutely see yourself falling in love with.

So now I pose the question to you: Can men and women be "just friends"?

Impressed By The Date That Never Happened

For a while now I've wanted to "stir the pot", as I say. By this, I mean that I ask random strangers questions, just to see what the response is. I asked a guy who works in the grocery store down the street if he likes his job and ended up finding out that he's into technical theatre, hates his job and isn't happy about the results of the last election. So when two guys walked into the bar that my friends were in a few weeks ago, dressed the exact same and wearing white collared shirts and ties, I needed to find out what the deal was with that.

They had walked in looking somewhat uncomfortable, got some beers and stood in a corner away from everyone else. I found this even stranger, so I went over to talk to them. It turned out that they were just off work (as valets) and just wanted to stop by for a drink before meeting some other friends. I told them how bizarre I thought it was that both of them were still wearing their ties, standing in a corner being completely anti-social. The one guy who was talking more, we'll call him Confident, told me they wanted to meet some girls (which is even more funny because the other guy turned his back on us at that point and started texting on his phone). I asked how they thought that would happen if they stand in the corner being anti-social. "It worked on you, didn't it?"

We got chatting about what else they do, besides being valets, and Confident told me that he's looking into starting his own business.
"That's great. I'm hoping to start a business too."
"Really? Doing what?"
"Dating tutor."
"A what?"

I told him that I've been thinking of starting a business where men pay to take me on a date (with restrictions) and then I will review them after and let them know what they're doing wrong. He thought this was interesting, so I told him about this blog. We chatted a few more minutes, and then he asked for my phone number. I said okay and gave it to him. Confident was interesting.

A week later, I got a text saying that he was sorry that he didn't connect earlier; he knows it's bad form. He was going to be leaving the country for a week, but he'd like to see me when he's back. I told him I'd like to see him because a man who is that confident in himself that he can text me a week later, own up to not calling, and still expect a "yes" is a rare breed. I asked him if he was sure, considering my blog and the fact that he could end up on it. He said "Any press is good press, right?"

He never called. To be fair, I had put thoughts of him aside, as I never wait for a man, and knowing he was gone for a week I just lost track. He finally text me two weeks later and said he was sorry he didn't text me. He's been going through some things and hadn't gotten a chance. "No need to respond, just thought it was courteous to let you know."

I didn't respond. There's no need. We likely would have only gone on the date to prove something: him to prove that he's great on a date, and me to prove I'm open to all possibilities.

I am however very impressed at how he handled it all. He was suave and confident in himself, and polite and thoughtful when it came down to "letting me down easy". I'm not heartbroken. If anything, I'm even more impressed. I haven't heard from him again, but if he remembered the name of my blog and reads this, I hope whatever was going on has ended well. And if you're still available, feel free to call me. I'd like to know why you're so confident.