To The Man Who Ate My Face

Have you ever wanted to tell someone the brutally honest truth, but because you've only been on one date, and you weren't really expecting it to go much farther than that, you feel like you can't? That's what I feel today.

I went on a date with a man last weekend and it was fine. I use the term "fine" loosely because it was fine if you are a lusty fifteen-year-old looking to make out in a movie theatre and then again in a restaurant booth. If you add up all the pieces, I can't complain that the date went badly: movie (my idea, his pick, he paid), drinks (he paid), walked me home like a gentleman. However, if you add in all the tiny details that make a good date a great date, or in this case, a bad date, it was not good.

This is what I wish I could say to the man who ate my face:

Hello (x), I really feel like we need to talk. I feel like you need to know some things that could have made this date better. I am not telling you this so that you can apologize to me and have a second chance. That is a lost cause for you. I'm telling you these things for the benefit of the next woman who has the pleasure of going on a date with you.

You have some interesting things to say. You're intelligent, and women appreciate that, so don't dumb yourself down on the date- we won't like you if you do that.

I don't need to make out with you in the movies and at the restaurant for people to know we're more than friends. You can spot a first date a mile away, so there is no need for extreme PDA's. And you can tell a couple just by the hand-holding. I'm not into making-out in public.

If the topic of ex's comes up, do not spend more than 5 minutes on the subject of your most recent ex. It makes us think you're not ready to let go of her, and therefore clearly not ready to take on the wonder that is the woman sitting next to you.

If other sensitive subjects come up, such as religion, politics, family, or any other controversial subject that may be cause for contention, approach with caution. Realize that while you may have your own opinions and that they may be quite passionate, unless they are a deal breaker for you, you need to let her take the lead on the topic. If she has opinions and you stomp all over them like a stampede of wild horses, in your need to express yourself, you're going to alienate her. Heated debates are for friends in a pub, not the first date. Eventually you and your potential new lady will have time for heated debates on these topics, but they can seriously harm a first date. Also, if you're going to make bold statements, be sure you can back them up. She may not have gone to school for whatever you're discussing, but if you offend her and she happens to know more about the topic than you and you are unjustified in your beliefs, you are likely to never hear from her again.

A twenty-something year old woman does not want to hear fifteen times in one date that she is "cute". Firstly, no woman wants to be "cute". Thirteen year old girls don't even want to be "cute". Twenty-somethings want to be "charming" and "witty" and "fascinating" (if we're worth our salt that's what we want anyway). We can even go for "sexy", but only if it is used sparingly (I say that because while you may mean it as a compliment, we take it as that's all you're seeing). I once went through a phase where the word "beautiful" had no meaning what-so-ever because a boyfriend called me beautiful so many times that I stopped believing it. I couldn't decipher what he meant by it, and it got rather annoying, and my brain just stopped processing anything he said after he would say "you're so beautiful". So what? What else am I? The next guy I dated didn't mention my looks or his attraction to my physical person until three months into our relationship. One day he just turned to me and said, "My God, you're beautiful". My heart stopped. I believed him. You should strive for that effect on your woman.

And lastly, I must tell you this, and it breaks my heart to do it, but I feel like you're never going to find a wife if I don't. You're a bad kisser. Terrible, in fact. Awful. Dreadful. I could go on, but berating you with words like that will not help your self-esteem. Though, in this case, that may not be a bad thing. You need to learn to hold back a bit. You're kissing like you're ready to fuck, and if you fuck like you kiss, stay out of my bed. My mouth is not a cement sidewalk and it doesn't need something hammering into it. Your tongue should not be rammed halfway down my throat - I don't have my tonsils anymore, you don't need to check for them. Kissing should be a melding of both of your styles and techniques and if you take over like you did and it's not good, she won't want to kiss you again. A friend of mine gave some good advice for men once: let her take the lead on the first kiss, that way you'll know what she likes, and you can adapt your own techniques to be the best kiss she's ever had.

One more thing about that kissing part, she doesn't want to have your saliva all over her face. She may have done her makeup, and if she didn't she's likely either blessed with clear skin, or has an aversion to anything on her face besides moisturizer. So don't open your mouth too wide, or let your tongue stray too far from her lips. If she wants sloppy kisses, she'll buy a puppy. If you're going to stray off her mouth, make sure your teeth aren't getting in the way of lips on skin. They're distracting, and they hurt.

I hope you can take this advice and apply it to your next date. Hopefully the next one will want to see you again.

Sincerely,

The Woman Who's Face You Ate.