Impressed By The Date That Never Happened

For a while now I've wanted to "stir the pot", as I say. By this, I mean that I ask random strangers questions, just to see what the response is. I asked a guy who works in the grocery store down the street if he likes his job and ended up finding out that he's into technical theatre, hates his job and isn't happy about the results of the last election. So when two guys walked into the bar that my friends were in a few weeks ago, dressed the exact same and wearing white collared shirts and ties, I needed to find out what the deal was with that.

They had walked in looking somewhat uncomfortable, got some beers and stood in a corner away from everyone else. I found this even stranger, so I went over to talk to them. It turned out that they were just off work (as valets) and just wanted to stop by for a drink before meeting some other friends. I told them how bizarre I thought it was that both of them were still wearing their ties, standing in a corner being completely anti-social. The one guy who was talking more, we'll call him Confident, told me they wanted to meet some girls (which is even more funny because the other guy turned his back on us at that point and started texting on his phone). I asked how they thought that would happen if they stand in the corner being anti-social. "It worked on you, didn't it?"

We got chatting about what else they do, besides being valets, and Confident told me that he's looking into starting his own business.
"That's great. I'm hoping to start a business too."
"Really? Doing what?"
"Dating tutor."
"A what?"

I told him that I've been thinking of starting a business where men pay to take me on a date (with restrictions) and then I will review them after and let them know what they're doing wrong. He thought this was interesting, so I told him about this blog. We chatted a few more minutes, and then he asked for my phone number. I said okay and gave it to him. Confident was interesting.

A week later, I got a text saying that he was sorry that he didn't connect earlier; he knows it's bad form. He was going to be leaving the country for a week, but he'd like to see me when he's back. I told him I'd like to see him because a man who is that confident in himself that he can text me a week later, own up to not calling, and still expect a "yes" is a rare breed. I asked him if he was sure, considering my blog and the fact that he could end up on it. He said "Any press is good press, right?"

He never called. To be fair, I had put thoughts of him aside, as I never wait for a man, and knowing he was gone for a week I just lost track. He finally text me two weeks later and said he was sorry he didn't text me. He's been going through some things and hadn't gotten a chance. "No need to respond, just thought it was courteous to let you know."

I didn't respond. There's no need. We likely would have only gone on the date to prove something: him to prove that he's great on a date, and me to prove I'm open to all possibilities.

I am however very impressed at how he handled it all. He was suave and confident in himself, and polite and thoughtful when it came down to "letting me down easy". I'm not heartbroken. If anything, I'm even more impressed. I haven't heard from him again, but if he remembered the name of my blog and reads this, I hope whatever was going on has ended well. And if you're still available, feel free to call me. I'd like to know why you're so confident.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette

One thing that I've been thinking of a lot during my time of being single is how the dating game is different for men than it is for women (or, it is expected to be anyway). What I mean is this: men are somehow expected to date around and go from woman to woman and then suddenly settle down with someone, while women are expected to be more relationship focused from the start. I think that is a double standard.

Firstly, if women are supposed to settle into relationships, there need to be men available for that. Now, maybe it’s just me, but it feels like I've somehow been marked as a "just one date" girl, or even a "just a couple of dates" girl. I don't know if it's that men need to fill a quota of taking a (x) number of girls on (y) number of dates in a month or year for (z) number of years before they can settle down, and that somehow when I walk into their lives, they're just adding up the tally, or if the issue lies with me, but it seems that there are not enough men out there who are at that point of settling down. And it's not just "my age" that I'm talking about. I've dated men within a 10 year range over the past two years and not one of them seemed like the type to settle down. Not with me anyway. (Okay, maybe one or two, but please, I am not your maid or your mother, my roommates will not find your prank idea funny and I don't want to have to tell you stop throwing food around the kitchen). If all these men are dating around, where are the ones who want to settle down?

Second, I think it’s important for men and women to date around. Let me emphasize the word date in that sentence (not sleep- I am not implying anyone should sleep around). I don't think a person can truly know who they are and what they truly want and need from a relationship if they haven't dated at least a few people. I mean, far-be-it for me to say that high school love can't work, it has for some people. But for the majority of the people in our society today, I think it is really important to learn who you are before you go for the committed "forever" relationship. 65 years is a long time to be married to someone and if you have any hope of making it that far in your marriage, you need to know who you are, what you want, and what you can't compromise on before you walk down the aisle. I can honestly say that after the dating experiences I've had, I have a really good idea of what I want, and what I don't want; what I need and what I can survive with and without. I know that I need to be with someone who isn't a jealous person (even if I am), and that though I want to be a shining light in his eyes, I do not want to be on a pedestal. There are of course, many other things I've learned, some of which I will share and some of which I won't, but I'm not sure I would not have known any of it if I hadn't gone on dates with all sorts of different men.

I also think it is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with you (male or female) if someone stops calling/texing/tweeting/messaging/facebooking/BBMing or the like. Maybe it is them. Maybe it’s the combination of you and them that just isn't right. I've had a few men tell me that my choice of career scares them- they are afraid of having to support me someday, and though I tell them I wouldn't let that happen, they leave me anyway. I've had men tell me that they think I'm great, they just don't think there is the right chemistry. I would rather they be honest and tell me they don't want to be with me than to leave me hanging, but either way, I know it's not really me they're rejecting. It could even be that they've got baggage with someone else, it's complicated, or his/her ex is back in the picture (if that's the case, you should run for your life anyway- the last thing you want is half of the person s/he should be!)

This is why, though I think TV series The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a little extreme (in that they literally pit people against each other in the hopes of sultry television with a dramatic ending), I think the concept of dating many people and narrowing it down is a good one. Not that anyone has 25 people lined up in front of them at any given point in their life (unless you're Jennifer Lopez or Ryan Reynolds), but now that it is acceptable to be 30 and unmarried, people should take their time and really think about "is this the person I want to be with for the rest of my life?" or can I live as a bachelor(ette) a little longer?

Dating Tip #1

Remember, the first date is not all about you. It’s not all about the other person either. Recently I’ve been helping out a friend in his dating life. I’ve answered questions for him, I’ve helped him decide where to go, what to do, what to wear and even asked a girl out for him! (That was a special case- we were at an event and he HAD to leave just as this woman was making eyes at him, so after he left, I went and hit on her for him. It was mildly creepy of me, but she called him and they did go on a date, and are planning another one- go me!)

The day of the first date in particular, he’d been asking me a slew of questions, for which, if I was charging by the hour, I could have made a fortune answering. I don’t mind, because he is my friend and I care very much about him getting a girlfriend that isn’t a psycho, but it has made me realize that I’m really not just talking out of my ass on this stuff, I really do know what I’m talking about when it comes to dating.

Now here's the tip: Realize that the other person is just as nervous as you are (hopefully you're both somewhat nervous anyway) and understand that this is just a day/evening/lunch/coffee date to get to know someone a little better. Relax. Just be yourself. I know, I know, that's easier said than done. But the person you're on a date with wants to get to know you, not the nervous sweaty person who keeps fidgeting and glancing about and worrying if they're having fun. If the company is good, it doesn't matter where you are!

Unforgettable Quotes on Dating...

Since starting my blog, and the very beginnings of a possible book, I have had some rather interesting conversations with people about dating. Here are some of the funny comments that have come out of these chats:

"He's a great catch: he's got a really nice car. And he can play the guitar." - my second-family little brother

"You should date him, you'll have really cute babies." - best friend/ second-family sister

"You should date him, he has a job." - my second-family dad

"Marry for money, not for love" - mom (she was only partly kidding)

"I'm just kidding. I'm the best person to sleep with. Ever." - my second-family little brother

"I liked it. I know you didn't, but I liked it." - me

"There is a serious problem with your relationship." - best friend and I have been saying this to each other for three years.

"People don't have to come to me, I'm already there" - second-family little brother (he's quite the character!)

"So you could say your second date was really crumby?" - second-family dad (that story is still to come...)

Thats all for now, but I'm sure there will be more!

Yes, That Would Happen to ME at a Singing Lesson...

Well, I didn't really DATE a singing teacher, but I did go see one once, and being that this is a blog about funny, awkward dates and encounters, I feel the need to share this story.

My best friend from University, we'll call her Miss Martini,  and I were living together when she started singing lessons. She and I both have a terrible fear of singing solo in public, and though our reasons are different, the result is the same: neither of us will do it. Being that we were striving actresses, we both felt we should put our fears aside and at least try singing lessons.

Miss Martini found a singing teacher with whom she felt very comfortable. We had both had voice lessons in University for speech and breathing techniques and this new singing teacher's style of instruction was much the same as our previous voice instructors. After a few weeks of her coming home to rave about how great these lessons were going, I decided to see if he would take me on as a student as well.

On the night of my first lesson, I was very nervous. When I got there, I was a little early, so I waited outside. When the instructor came to get me, he introduced himself and took me down to his studio. I use "studio" loosely here because it was a tiny room in a basement with a keyboard and more musical "stuff" than you could ever imagine would fit into that space. I was a little sketched out, but being that Miss Martini had come here for her lessons, I decided to put any thoughts of dirt, dampness and mildew out of my mind.

The lesson began as expected: he verbalized his resume in order to prove that he has some semblance of credibility and asked a few short questions about my singing history. Somehow in the conversation it came up that he is divorced (hence the basement) and 40 (he essentially made me guess his age- I guessed MUCH younger when he said he looks young for his age). When it was time to stand up and start the actual lesson, it again, went much as expected. I was still nervous and felt like I wanted to melt away into the 30-year-old rug beneath my feet, but I stood my ground, determined to make it through the lesson.

We started with breathing exercises; how to stand, where the breath should be in the body, how to exhale properly in singing- the basics really. It was somewhat hands-on, as he had me put my hands on his ribs to feel the breath and then did the same to check my breathing. Because of University, I was comfortable as often our instructors at school would come and fix your posture, or use students to demonstrate different things, so when this turned out to be his way of instruction, I accepted it. Being that I was so nervous and distracted, I didn't notice something that I usually pick up on right away. And then I saw it: a look. He looked away quickly and kept on going with the lesson, and for a split second I second-guessed if I saw what I thought I saw. No, I couldn't have, focus on your breath and stop being crazy. And then he kissed me. Out of nowhere, he pulled me in and kissed me. I was so in shock that I didn't stop it, I don't even think my brain registered what was actually happening for about 3 seconds and by that time, his hands were up and down my back and going into my hair. WHAT?! I pushed him away (which was somewhat difficult given how tightly he was squeezing me into him and when he saw the look on my face he was horrified. Clearly whatever he was feeling that gave him the urge to kiss me was NOT what I was feeling.

He began apologizing profusely and begged me not to leave. He promised he would behave and told me that "If I saw you in a coffee shop, I would definitely come and talk to you" and I'm thinking "Yes, but if you met me in a coffee shop, your tongue wouldn't be down my throat less then half an hour after meeting me!"

It was probably the most horrifyingly awkward kiss I've ever had in my life and the half hour after it was probably worse. At first he couldn't take his eyes off me, and now he couldn't even look at me. His promises to behave and his apology made me stay, and because I had never had the displeasure of having a encounter like this before, I wasn't really sure what the protocol was for this type of situation. Needless to say, I went from nervous and uncomfortable downright confused and nauseous. We finished the lesson, skipping the rest of the breathing stuff and going straight to the keyboard, but even then, it was agonizingly difficult to relax into singing knowing he's sitting beside me wanting to do that again, and feeling embarrassment radiate from him. 

The end of the lesson came and I couldn't have been happier. He asked if I would come back and I really wasn't sure. Everything had been fine up until he kissed me, but I can't ignore how extremely inappropriate it was of him to do that. I gave him money, and felt a little like I was paying for services I hadn't asked for. I call it my "Pretty Woman" moment, but I was Richard Gere and he was the prostitute who went "above and beyond" the call of duty.

Outside, I ran into Miss Martini. When she saw the look on my face she asked if everything was okay...

"I don't know."
"Well, how did it go?"
"I don't know."
"What.. what happened?"
"I don't know, he kissed me. I don't know."
"HE DID WHAT?"
"Ya, I don't know. You may need to give him a minute. K, I'll see you at home. Byyyye."

I took off out of there like a bat out of hell and practically ran home.

Back at home, she told me that he did indeed "need a minute" and then, after telling her the full story of what happened, she said to me:

"That's interesting. Really. Really interesting. You know who else would probably want to hear that story?"
"Who?"
"His girlfriend. And his two children."

I May Be Extraodinary, But My Dates Certainly Aren't

I went on a date once with a man that was so ordinary, mild-mannered and simple that I actually felt sorry for him. I had agreed to go on the date with him when a friend of mine encouraged me saying: "He's a nice guy. You need to date a nice guy."

It turns out, I don't think I need to date a "nice" guy. I need to date a man who doesn't need to "strap on a pair" because they're already firmly in place!

The date itself was okay. Dinner at an italian restaurant and then he walked me home. He had planned it too- he had come downtown and looked around for places he'd like to take me, and then chose a few and let me pick from them. He was nervous and shy, but the conversation was light and flowed nicely.

The only problem was: he didn't do it for me. I didn't get any hopeful feelings that he'd kiss me at the end of the night, or that he'd hold my hand. I wasn't feeling light-hearted, and like I wanted him to call again. I felt the same as if I had gone out with my brother or one-of-the-guys. I think I intimidated him too...

Harsh as this may sound: Guys, you need to be phenomenal. As superficial as it may be, women are seriously attracted to things that sparkle and shine. BE THAT SPARKLY, SHINEY thing! I don't mean that in the way that you should dress up and physically have sparkles on you (we don't want someone shinier than we are) but you need to draw our attention. You need to stand out from the crowd, and when you're with a woman in a crowd, you need to show that you're PROUD TO BE WITH HER in that crowd  (but never ever act like she's your property.. I know, it's hard to find the balance, but please, please, for the love of dating, find it.)

Needless to say, this man called me again, but I just couldn't bring myself to give him a second date. Good luck Ordinary! You'll find someone who doesn't far out-shine you someday!

NOTA BENE: I'd like to add a disclaimer on my statement that men should be the sparkly thing we're looking at: Not all women want the same kind of sparkle in their man, and men need to know what their date wants them to be. If you're not that thing, maybe you're just not meant to be anyway. Just because Tiffany's if full of diamonds, doesn't mean you need to wear all your Tiffany at once- find the pieces that compliment each other.

True Story:

I dated a snob.